Upchuck

From yesterday:

Nothing says “Top o’ the mornin’!” like your four year old barfing in your doorway at 4 am. It was that kind of day here.

Luckily, Gideon was only sick the once and after a day of convalescing in front of the TV, he is quite recovered. I only hope the rest of us have escaped the germs.

The exciting incident also led me to scrub the floor, we have laminate in most of the house, from our bedroom to the bathroom. I figured while I was on my hands and knees I should finish the job and now I have clean floors. I hate cleaning the floors, but they do look nice.

It continues to be a zoo at my house. Who knew two large dogs and two boys had the ability to sound like the entire wild Africa section of the zoo? Sometimes, I think I live in the ape house. Not the monkey house, mind you, because monkeys have TAILS.

So here is wishing you a barf free week. May your floors be clean and your sleep uninterrupted.

p.s. We are now a barf free zone.

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It’s Amazing

We have been occupied with getting ready for Brother’s impending arrival, 3 weeks and counting, and battling a bought of unpleasant sickness. Thankfully, I have so far escaped the flu/cold thing that brought Gideon and Ries so low. Everyone is more or less on the mend. I will post a more newsy update later. For now, I have a funny story for you, involving a boy and his favorite body part which will be referred to for the remaining of the post with the word “twig”.

Gideon was on the potty before nap time today as a preemptive strike. He did not have to go, but did proceed to play with his twig. I mean, it was already out there, right? As twigs are wont to do, it became less, ahem, flaccid that normal. At this point, I decided he was definitely not going to pee, so I took him off the potty. He stood there, holding his twig, which was pointing straight out, looked up at me, lifted his eyebrows, and said, “Isn’t it amazing?”

Amazing was the exact word I was searching for. Actually, I was laughing so hard I did not have a reply for him.

When he is older, he will be mortified that I tell these kinds of stories. I love being a Mom. Bwahahahaaaaa.

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When I get big…

Yesterday morning, Gideon, who is two, crawled in bed with me, naked funny enough given what followed, and proceeded to have the following conversation with me:

Gideon: When I get bigger, I am going to have a big twig*
Me, wanting to temper his expectations just in case: Well, I think it will be just the right size for you.
Gideon: No. When I bigger and bigger, I am going to have a big twig!
Me, trying again: Your twig will grow bigger as you get bigger but it will always be just the right size.
Gideon: It will be big.
Me, giving up: OK.

I had no idea that being a boy and having boy parts was not only captivating but contemplative as one considered the future. I am hoping to be spared more twig conversations with the next one and get a girl, whose parts I am way more familiar with.

Ries, of course, was no help and spent the entire time laughing at us in the bathroom as he got ready for work.

*twig being a euphemism for his boy part which he used the correct term for.

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It’s Fall, Sorta

It is Fall here in Houston, which means the humidity and temperature are both about 74 in the morning. Not quite long sleeve weather yet, but I keep hoping a cold front will drop us down to the 60’s any day now. It also means the leaves are doing that thing they do here… turn brown and fall off. It is what passes as fall foliage here. Sad, yet true.

We went to the pumpkin patch today and picked out a truly ugly and warty pumpkin. Gideon requested a scary face on the pumpkin so it should be just right.

Gideon is a smart little thing, always trying to negotiate what he wants when he already knows the limits, asking if I am going to spank him when he breaks a rule, and sneaking around to do things he is not supposed to do. He keeps me occupied. I spend the majority of my days alternatively yelling, “Gideon!” or “Wicket!” because one or both of them are doing something naughty.

After I told him that I do not, in fact have a boy part (which we call by it’s actual name, but I think I should probably not type here), I have a girl part (again, actual name). He asked me, “Where does your pee come out of?” How indeed. This was over lunch, mind you.

Happy Fall!

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Potty Training Bootcamp, Success!

This picture features Gideon in his new Big Boy Boxer Briefs with a green Skittle in his mouth. That’s right folks. No more diapers!

We spent last week in Potty Training Bootcamp. We basically used the Three Day Potty training method which involves a lot of nakedness and who does not love a little naked toddler running around the house?

Here is our experience with this method.

Overall, it worked great. I say worked because after 1 week, Gideon is potty trained. No more diapers (except at night) and he is now wearing real underwear!

You spend three days giving your child lots of water and juice to increase urination and then whisking them to the potty when they start to go. We also asked Gideon often if he had to go to the potty.

With a couple of exceptions, you are mostly homebound for three days. We used a combination of praise and Skitttles. The first day was very successful because both Ries and I were home to keep an eye on him. The second day, Gideon had two accidents and it happened both times because I turned my back for a second. They say you have to watch them like a hawk and you really do. You literally can do nothing but pay very close attention to your kid for three days. It was the worst thing about this method. I was exhausted by the end of the day, even after taking a nap with Gideon.

We started on Tuesday and by Friday, Gideon was telling us when he needed to go, holding it during errands out of the house, and waking dry from naps. I still need to ask him often if he has to go potty, just so he thinks about it. I heard that kids will often say no when they mean yes, but Gideon says yes when he does have to go.

Gideon is doing great. He does have an accident every once in awhile, but he goes whole days without an accident. He even did pretty well during church yesterday, though he was out of his normal environment. If you have been dreading potty training or are sick of diapers, I highly recommend this method.

Hallelujah, no more diapers!

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It’s Love

I know Gideon loves me because he gifts me with his most precious items. Recently he held out his finger to me and said, “Mommy, I pick a booger from my nose for you.”

Just what I always wanted.

I took it, of course, that’s what Moms do.

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Holes

It must be wonderful to be young and to have every day filled with new and exciting discoveries. Every experience is unique and wonderful. Gideon made a truly astuonding discovery last Thursday. Here was the event as it unfolded:

Gideon was taking a bath and playing. I noticed he had his hand underneath his junk (his boy parts which we do call by their actual names but I figured would be better left off this post). I figured he was just playing with it or cleaning his “undercarriage” as the boys in this house call it. He looked up at me and said with wonder in his voice, “Bum… has a hole. Bum has a hole in it.” I realized he must have been reaching a bit farther back than I thought. With my lips twitching up I replied, “You are right. Your bum does have a hole in it.”

He kept feeling around and repeating, “Bum has a hole in it.”

I told him that was where the poop comes out. He thought about that for awhile, continuing to feel the area in discussion. I could see the wheels turning around in his head.

After a couple minutes of this conversation going in circles between the two of us, Gideon said, “Tell Daddy. Tell Daddy something.”

I was fairly certain I knew what Daddy was going to be told, but I yelled for Ries, who was doing the dinner dishes, “Daddy! Gideon has something to tell you.”

Ries dutifully appeared and I smiled at him, trying not to laugh.

“What, Gideon?” Ries asked.

In a very serious voice, Gideon announced, “Bum… has a hole in it.” Then he asked, “Daddy bum have a hole in it?”

To his credit, Ries, who had been hearing the exchange before entering said very solemnly, “Yes, my bum has a hole in it. That’s where the poop comes out.”

“Everyone’s bum has a hole in it,” I added for good measure. Gideon made the connection and said, “Mommy’s bum has a hole in it?”

“Yep.”

The conversation continued in this vein for the rest of bath time.

Sunday night at bath time, I said something to my child I thought I would never say in my life, “Gideon, take your finger out of your bum. That is where the poop comes out. Yucky.”

It was really hard to ask him to do that with a straight face. I was laughing on the inside.

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The Mucus Floweth

Everyone in the Smith house has snot issues except for me. Translate that to: No one is getting any sleep for one reason or another. This is the reason for radio silence here on Defying Genetics.

A cold and teeth working their way out have made for a very sad and needy boy. A sad and needy boy make for a very tired and grumpy Mommy.

I have been trying to get Christmas up and care for The Sadness at the same time. This does not always go well.

Because we have been busy, Gideon and I went to get our Christmas tree without Ries yesterday. I now remember why I do not usually run this particular errand by myself.

I have eyes that are bigger than my living room.

The place we go has a variety of tree available for the price of $35. Tall, medium, round, skinny, lumpy, or triangular. I figured I wanted the most for my money, plus I really love live trees. I got a fairly large tree.

It takes up a large portion of the living room. It is so round that if I sit on the corner of my couch by the wall, I am unable to use the remote to change the channel on the TiVo. It does not block the TV, though just barely.

I suppose next year I will have to be more patient and wait for Ries to go tree hunting with me.

I tried to put ornaments on today, but Gideon was more of a hindrance than I had bargained for. Gideon does not like the ornament hooks. He just holds the ornament up to a branch, pauses, and lets go. I suppose he thinks that the ornaments will magically stick. I wonder what the Harry Potter spell for that would be? Appendere!

He was “helpful” with the lights, however, so we have a lit tree sans the ornaments. For now.

Hopefully, good health and dry noses will return to the Smith house without too much more sadness.

Siste mucus!

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It’s Full, Please Change Receptacle

Today is Tuesday. Tuesday means Gideon and I head up to church. I go to a women’s Bible study and he goes to childcare for 3 hours. He loves playing with the other kids and is rarely sad to see me go. Today, he actually cried when I picked him up because he had to leave the slide behind.

That’s right. I now rank somewhere between a plastic slide and Goldfish. *sigh* Being a mother is thankless.

Gideon’s tell when his diaper is wet or dirty is to play with the velcro tabs. He does occasionally succeed in unhinging one side of his diaper but this mostly happens when he is sans pants.

Today, they took the kids for a walk outside during childcare. The ladies noticed that Gideon’s pants looked funny (he had on cotton shorts today). Suddenly, they saw little turds dropping from his diaper onto the ground! He had unhooked his diaper and was dispersing his poop outside.

Perhaps he was tired of having poop in his diaper. Perhaps he was marking his territory. Less likely is my other theory that he was leaving a trail to get back to the building.

Ries said that this reminds him of the scene in Shawshank Redemption where Andy is dropping rocks and gravel into the yard from his tunneling efforts.

On a side excrement note, Gideon peed in the potty today! It was a time for great rejoicing and then he demanded we get back to book reading.

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The Infirmary

Ries was gone all weekend, leaving me to be a single mom for the weekend. It went well, but Ries returned from Chicago with a sickness. Perhaps it is Swine Flu. Oink! He has been laying abed with a fever and aches since Sunday evening.

Gideon turned up with a fever yesterday, but I think he is working on his top teeth. His gums are huge, his nose and runny eye have been out of control for the past week, and he has those really fun teething poos. Two today so far. Yuck!

Other than an off again on again fever, Gideon has been acting like his normal self, mostly.

So I am stuck in a house full of fevered boys needing Momma. I think today, since we can no longer go to our playgroup due to the fever, I will start laundry for our upcoming trip.

Boring!

–Michelle, bored

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Oh, calamitious vomit

There are many rites of passage for parents and I have crossed many milestones in the past 8 months. I think, in the beginning, they come at a quicker pace and then slow down as your child ages. Of course, those older milestones, driving, going on a first date, and having the birds and the bees talk, seem much more traumatic than getting your first kiss from your little one or getting poop on your hands (or getting pooped on).

Last night, we passed another body fluid milestone: both Ries and I were projectile vomited upon. It was lovely, complete with green beans, recently consumed.

It was frightening for Gideon, who did not know what was going on, and worrying for me. Ries never worries. After three bouts of vomit, he went to sleep. I fed him just a little at a time during the night, which he did not appreciate, as by this time he was hungry. He fussed and I sang him songs until he went back to sleep each time.

He breastfed like normal this morning and is up to his usual chatter as he looks for trouble. We have to stay home from our church stuff this morning since they will not take him in the nursery after having been sick so recently. I think we both need a sick day at home anyway.

I am glad that this first bought of stomach sickness only lasted a short time. I know it is only the first of many to come.

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The Joys of Parenthood

Parenthood is sometimes a waiting game. When will they be hungry? When will he want to nap?  You start to count time differently. As your child gets older, you begin to count something very important.

Time between poops.

You see, the longer it stews, the worse it becomes and the more horrifying when it finally makes its appearance.

If you are lucky, every day is a poop day and you give a sigh of relief if it happens before the big outing of the day. Gideon’s butt has a homing beacon for when we are away from home and on our way somewhere. We drive to our destination and upon taking him out of his car seat I am assailed by stench. I have often been late or delayed by the servicing of a messy bottom.

If it is days you are counting, you pray for mercy. At our house, we announce it frequently. “Day two with no poop!” or “Two and half days and no poop!” as if the announcing of the impending doom would bring it forth.

The longest we have gone was almost three days. With the addition of solid food to his diet, Gideon now offers us very voluminous and odiferous poop.

No one ever said this parent thing was glamorous.

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