Subterfuge and Motherhood

I know lying is wrong. It says so in the Bible. It was important enough to be in the Top 10 things To Do and Not Do, according to God. However, any good mom knows a little subterfuge is all a part of doing the job and doing it well.

Here are some examples.

Example #1

Over the year, my kids get a lot of candy. It all goes into gallon bags with their names on it in the pantry. Whenever they remember it exists, which is not every day, they ask to have some. If it is appropriate timing or I can use the candy as a bribe (eat all your kale), I do. My kids do not eat candy frequently enough to ever eat all the candy in our bags and I am certainly not going to eat all of it since I do not want to weigh 500 pounds.

What’s a good mom to do? I can’t just throw all the candy away. They would notice that. Kids are smart and sneaky, just like moms. We have to be smarter and sneakier.

I throw the candy away a little at a time. That way, the volume reduces gradually and they never know. You must be careful, though to throw the candy away in such a way that they will never know, which brings me to Example 2.

Example #2

Kids bring home two categories of trash. Stuff they make that is “priceless” and they want to keep forever and trash people give them. You know what I mean by the latter. Cheap toys that break within 5 minutes, decks of cards with cards missing, rocks, broken rubber bands, twisty ties, jar lids, and kid’s meal toys. You know, all the stuff they never want to get rid of.

If you are not careful, your house will be like Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout‘s and you will drown in garbage. To avoid this, while your kids are out of the house, choose a handful of the trash items and throw them away. Warning: Do not simply toss them into the trash can. You have to bury them under other trash or put them in a bag and throw them away.

People without kids are now thinking I am one crazy, paranoid lady, but let me tell you that every time a kid throws something in the trashcan, they spend a looooong time peering into that can. They know something fishy is going on in their house. If they see even the spec of some beloved item/piece of trash actually in the trashcan. All. hell. will. break. loose. Bury that stuff deep and put some smelly garbage on top of it for good measure.

I am not even going to cover all the things we regularly tell kids which are out and out lies: Santa, the Easter Bunny, or why they can’t watch Thomas the Train. My friend hated Thomas so much she told her two-year-old Thomas was not on TV anymore or Netflix or anywhere. I laughed and was sorry I did not think of that first.

Happy Parenting!

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Ries’ Post – Tuesday

(For an explanation of this post, see the first post in this series for Ries.)

Today started out better than yesterday, but ended badly.

I woke up this morning around 4:45 to a sound I could not immediately place and then it dawned on me, it was raining. Actual, honest moisture from the sky. It rained for about 5 minutes! This was the 5 minutes the dogs decided, of course, that they had to go out right away or they might die.

Ridiculous.

Gideon had fun with Chloe and Miles this morning. And guess what, it rained again this morning. At this rate, the grass (which has hardly grown since February) will be 2 feet tall when you get home.

The afternoon was a series of arguments Gideon wanted to have with me. For instance if I tell him the container of juice we have is pineapple, he will argue that it is apple. I wish you were here to help me with this arguing. You know the baggage I have that makes these encounters especially trying. I try not to argue back, however gently, because it is useless and soul sucking. He neither cares, nor wants my opinion, regardless of its truth, and wants to argue for the sake of… whatever I have not yet deducted. Regardless of how I avoid the argument, he is right there with another. I want him to feel like his opinion is valued, but he has to understand that constantly arguing is both hurtful and disrespectful. I am going to try a new approach tomorrow that will involves a heart to heart with Gideon about how arguing makes other people feel.

We had dinner at Lupe Tortilla with some of the ladies from Bible study and their kids. Gideon was great during dinner, even though our food took forever. We sat outside, by the big sand and play area they have there so the kids could play after they ate. I gave Gideon a warning when it was time to go, but made a huge scene and then disobeyed me again when we got to the car. To top it off, he had peed in his pants at some point, though did not tell me and then did it again when we got home.

It was a less than stellar ending to a pretty crappy afternoon.

I hope the well digging is going better than the home front. No amount of chocolate ice cream will make up for me being alone after such a day and waking up to start it again in the morning.

On the bright side, Wash grabbed for and held onto a toy today. He was very pleased with himself when he shoved it in his mouth.

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Advice to a first time Mom

I just wrote something in an email to a first time mom, I thought I would share because it pretty much sums up the first few weeks.

Being a parent is wonderful. It really is. Just keep telling that to yourself the first few weeks when you wonder what the hell you were thinking. Once you find a groove, everything is fabulous!

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Introducing Star Wars in the Correct Order

I don’t know what this says about me (okay, I know but don’t want to admit it) but one of the first things that started to sink in when I was thinking about fatherhood was, how do I introduce my children to the Star Wars epic.  This is crucial to their upbringing.  The heart of the matter is the order.  Do I show it in chronological order by universe or by release date?  I finally realized, I don’t have to do either.

First, a disclaimer, I am not a prequel hater that many Star Wars fans have become.  I am also not a Lucas fanboy that thinks that Star Wars can do no wrong.  What I worry about is that my children will be swayed by the visual / audio stimulation of the episodes 1 – 3 and think the older ones look cheesy in comparison.  Most imporantly, how do I build up these characters and this universe and still preserve the big surprises.  The end of Empire Strikes Back was not a surprise to me when I saw it.  I would like to be able to protect the obvious spoiler in Empire Strikes Back, while  building the characters background, and hopefully creating surprises in the prequels that were never surprises to any one who had seen the original trilogy.  There are also lesser spoilers, such as Yoda’s introduction in ESB, that would be ruined by changed order but maybe harder to maintain anyways.

Anyways, here is the order I came up with:

1. A New Hope (epsiode 4) – This introduces the universe as a whole better than any other.
2. Phantom Menace (episode 1) – Now we know universe, this introduces us to Obi-wan’s “more civilized time” and his friend Anakin Skywalker.
3. Attack of the Clones (episode 2) – Continues the story of the Obi-wan / Anakin friendship and the budding love story on the eve of war.
4. Empire Strkes Back (episode 5) – Imagine the big spoiler here after you have more invested in characters.  How can that be?
5. Revenge of the Sith (episode 3) – This is how.
6. Return of the Jedi (episode 6) – And they lived happily ever after.  Right?

I have many thoughts on this but will limit my discussion here.  I will gladly take and respond to any feedback.

–Ries, now I just need to figure out how old until they can watch it and then keep them away from all Star Wars marketing until then.

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When I get big…

Yesterday morning, Gideon, who is two, crawled in bed with me, naked funny enough given what followed, and proceeded to have the following conversation with me:

Gideon: When I get bigger, I am going to have a big twig*
Me, wanting to temper his expectations just in case: Well, I think it will be just the right size for you.
Gideon: No. When I bigger and bigger, I am going to have a big twig!
Me, trying again: Your twig will grow bigger as you get bigger but it will always be just the right size.
Gideon: It will be big.
Me, giving up: OK.

I had no idea that being a boy and having boy parts was not only captivating but contemplative as one considered the future. I am hoping to be spared more twig conversations with the next one and get a girl, whose parts I am way more familiar with.

Ries, of course, was no help and spent the entire time laughing at us in the bathroom as he got ready for work.

*twig being a euphemism for his boy part which he used the correct term for.

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Just what the world needs, another Smith

We started this blog in December of 2007 to chronicle our plunge into parenthood as we expanded our family. Sometime around March 30, 2011, our family will expand again.

That’s right. We decided this parenting thing is only halfway crazy and we still have some marbles left to lose.

I had my first appointment with my midwife yesterday. Jackie Griggs, the lovely lady who shepherded Gideon into the world, will be with us for this birth as well. I am 10 weeks along and I heard the heartbeat yesterday. It was a strong 170.

I am not as tired as I was with Gideon but I feel a lot worse. I know that will get better soon though it is a bit of a drag right now.

This second time around has been interesting. While we know what to expect, we also know full well what can go wrong. I am not wasting too much time worrying because I know what will happen will and God will be with us regardless. Our family knows He provides in different ways, even when we do not like manna and would rather have pizza or gyros or sushi.

I have been praying for three things:

A healthy baby (a little less drama getting there, please!).
A labor under 24 hours.
A girl, but I will resign myself to being a Momma of boys if I need to.

I told Jackie my list and she said would like a labor under 12 hours for me. I hope so too.

When we told Gideon about the baby he asked, “For me?” with big eyes. Now he asks me if things I eat are for the baby. He knows the baby is in my belly and that food goes in my belly, so he has deduced that the food I eat is in my belly with the baby. It is amusing.

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Cooking at the Smith House

IMG_7992

Originally uploaded by eprahs

Gideon has been helping me cook since he could climb the step stool to reach the counter. He is proficient at stirring, measuring salt, and stealing food from the prep pile.

My friend Paul, who has left Texas for Missouri, snapped this as we made enchiladas a couple weeks ago. We can be found in these exact places almost every night as we cook dinner before Ries gets home. We both wear aprons. Gideon’s apron is dino camouflage.

I highly recommend this activity if you have kids. Here are a few rules we have for cooking and safety, some of which, we figured out the hard way. Not following the rules means not helping:

1. No crying, pouting, jumping, or shenanigans on the step stool.
2. Do not eat anything unless Mommy gives it to you or tells you it is safe. (This rule was added after I caught Gideon sticking his finger in the juice of a thawing pork loin and licking it. GROSS!)
3. Never grab things off the cutting board.
4. No touching anything Mommy does not give to you.
5. All workers must wash hands before cooking.
6. When we open the oven, stand on the other side of the kitchen on the rug until Mommy says you can move.

I always have to guard the chopped vegetables and olives from Gideon, who would happily eat everything before it has a chance to be cooked!

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Good Parenting is Dangerous Parenting

I decided Gideon is old enough this Fourth of July for sparklers. I love sparklers. I am going to get the kind with the wooden handles because they are a little safer than the metal ones. And by little, I mean barely at all.

Here is some great parenting at work:

Me: I think I am going to get Gideon some sparklers for the lake.
Ries: (laughing) sparklers are not safe. They are actually pretty dangerous.
Me: Uh, Dangerous and awesome!
Ries: (rolls his eyes)

Part of the fun of sprinklers is learning how not to burn yourself, anyone else, or any buildings down as you twirl them in the air. It is a life lesson. Good times.

Happy Fourth of July! We will be drinking good beer and playing with fire. A winning combination in any season.

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Being a Mom

Nothing prepares you for being a parent. You may think you know, but you never do until you actually are The Mom. My sister-in-law recently had her first baby, right before Christmas, and all her triumphs and trials have made me remember those first hormone filled weeks of motherhood. Ah, the tears! The smiles! The joys! And then more tears!

The thing that floored me the most was the way being The Mom felt like a cloying burden in those early days. You feel tied down, literally, by the thing on your breast. The knowledge that you, and only you, can care, feed, and soothe this new person is, at times, overwhelming. The whole time you know that you choose this way, this child, this life and still you wonder what the heck you were thinking. Then of course, your baby smiles (or passes gas) and you think the entire world is filled with unicorns and moonbeams.

I am not seeking to dismiss the way Dads feel. In fact, I think the burden of being responsible for a family is pretty big, huge, but as I am not The Dad, I do not know and can only speak for what I felt.

I think all new Moms have to cross the Holy Crap I Have a Kid and Now My Life Will Never Be the Same Ever Until They Are Like 30 and Even Then… River. Crossing that river is hard work. Making the changes to the life you used to lead is hard. Being responsible for the care and feeding of a person is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it also the best thing I have done with my life, will do, in fact.

It is painful and joyful to bring a child into this world. You wonder, at the beginning, if you can ever do that again. Then, with time you know for certain, that the hardest things are also the things most worth having.

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Training Parents

Gideon is getting bossy for one with so few years, but occasionally, his bossiness is appreciated.

Last night, Gideon and I had finished dinner and I was sitting on the couch. It was about 7:15. He came over, patted my arm, and pointed to his room. I asked him to, “Show me.”

He led me down the hall, pointing. Gideon walked right up to the rocking chair and pointed again.

I asked him, “Are you tired?”
“Yes,” he answered, nodding and smiling.
“Do you want milkies?”
Again, he nodded and smiled.
“You can go to bed if you want.”

At that he walked into the hall, where he could see Ries, who was still eating, and said, “Bye-Bye,” and walked back to me.

I fed him and he was asleep by 7:35.

I think he has us trained.

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Potty Time and Tantrums

Gideon knows when he is wet or dirty. He lets us know. He also alerts us when he thinks he has to go to the bathroom. Because of this, we have been “potty training” for a couple weeks now. I put it in quotes, because so far we have just been sitting on the potty with no success.

Well, Gideon has learned a couple things, but not how to go in the potty.

He has learned that if he is on the potty, Momma will read to him. He has a captive audience to request entertainment and request he does. We read and read and read. And read some more.

Gideon has also learned Itsy Bitsy Spider hand motions. I do not normally sing traditional toddler songs to him, but it is hard to make up hand motions to Lily the Pink. Songs with hand motions are more amusing during potty time.

It amuses me how quickly Gideon learns how to manipulate us to do certain things. Children are very crafty. I do not mind reading to him on the potty. I know eventually he will figure it out. Tantrums on the other hand are a new manipulation technique he is trying as well. Sadly, they do not work on me the way Gideon expects they will.

Other than complete ignoring, eye rolling and sighing are my two responses to tantrums. I know why kids get spoiled. It is much easier to forgo parenting and give into that annoying whine or all out fit. Anything to shut the noise up. Unfortunately, for Gideon’s short-term happiness and my ears, I want him to be a productive, lovable, and loving adult, not a spoiled brat that still acts like a 5 year-old at 25 years of age. That means, whining and tantrums get him absolutely no where.

Living with an almost 17 month old sure is not boring.

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Adventures in Motherhood, also entitled My Kid Likes Dog Food

Perhaps I am becoming too laid back with this, my first child. I give you two examples.

Example #1
This past Thursday, I was trying to get us packed (again!) to go to the lakehouse. Gideon was running around in the kitchen with me. The pantry door was open and he found a flyswatter. In his mind, this was the the coolest. thing. ever. I really needed him to be occupied, so I let him have it with barely a thought. He played with that cheap plastic flyswatter all day long.

On the drive to the lake, Ries was like, “You could have at least cleaned it with a clorox wipe before you let him play with it!”

You know, it never even occurred to me to do that.

Example #2
Also last week, Gideon was in the kitchen with me. (maybe there is a pattern here) I was trying to do something and he was toddling around eating crackers (Today, we salute you, Mr. Wheat Saltine Inventor). I noticed that Gideon was also picking up dog food from the floor and putting it in Pullo’s bowl while eating his cracker. From the corner of my eye, I thought I saw him put a piece of dog food in his mouth. I washed my hands (I must have been cooking) and then went over to peer into his mouth. He resisted, of course, so I could not get a good look. I was uncertain whether the food bits were cracker or dog food. Either way, they looked pretty wet and…

Excuse me, I just had to go pry a piece of dog food from Gideon’s mouth. Sigh.

Ok, so the pieces of food looked mostly soggy and eaten and I could not tell if they were dog food or cracker bits… so I left them in there and he ate them. I figured he had mostly eaten them anyway and it would not kill him.

At this rate, I will barely parent the next kid and they will be entirely on their own. I mean, the dog can watch them, right?

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A Great Day For Up!

In the morning, I am often awakened by a rolling baby with a big two-toothed grin. Sometimes, Gideon even pats my face and turns my head so that I will open my eyes and look at him. It is the sweetest morning anyone could want.

Ries has an altogether different experience.

In the morning, to wake up Daddy, Gideon employs the following methods:

1. Lean back on Mommy, with feet near Daddy’s face. Kick vigorously until he looks at me.
2. Poke my finger in his nose. See how far up it goes. Maybe I can put two in there.
3. Next, try the ear.
4. Stick my finger in my mouth, and then re-insert my finger in his ear.
5. Put my head on Mommy and then stick my stinky, full diaper in Daddy’s face until he complains of the smell.
6. Roll around.
7. Repeat steps 1 through 6, until Daddy gets up.
8. Smile innocently.

It amazes me that this early babies treat their parents so different. Obviously, my small nose and ears are less fun that Daddy’s.

Gideon has also recently learned how to give zerberts. He has employed this method of making sure I am awake a couple times.

–Michelle, prefers zerberts to wet willies

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Imperial March

I know Michelle gave an update on our new bed time routine but I thought I would give it from my perspective.  Especially since I am the one taking on more of a burden.  I say burden, and admittedly I thought that way at first, but really it is not.  The first thing I had to do was change my mindset.  This was not a chore I have to do, this was quality time I get to spend with my son.  I am learning that this kind of time will soon be gone and I won’t be able to get it back.  Here is our routine in bullet form (the best kind of form).

1. Dinner, then clean up the boy.
2. Bathtime.  I have been doing this, but we have recently decided that there is no reason that Michelle can’t do it so we are going to switch off.
3. Lotion up the boy, diaper up the boy, and put on some pajamas.  This is really kind of his last time for playing as we don’t rush through this part.
4. Night time book.  Michelle insists that the book selection has to be a book about going to bed.  He has about 4 or 5 that belong in this rotation.
5. Michelle comes in with her “Milk Bags” and I take the puppy (he has usually joined us for lotioning time) and say goodbye.
6. Sometimes at this point, he just falls asleep at the teete (that’s right I said teete, hee hee).  But most often not.  That is when we proceed to the next step.
7. Imperial March:  Now hopefully no one will have to be exposed to my horrible singing at the beginning of this step.  I take that boy in my hands and then I begin to walk around in circles, sometimes in the living room but usually just in his room.  He is usually crying at this point after the hand off from Mom to Dad.  He knows what’s coming and he doesn’t want to go to sleep.  I start out by singing Edelweiss.  Why Edelweiss?  I don’t know, it just seems right.  I do this a couple times, then I move on to that song in Superman when Otis is going to see Lex Luthor.  I don’t do that for very long, that’s just for fun.  But then I move on to the big guns.  My closer.  The Imperial March from Star Wars.  John Williams, you are a genius.  As soon as I start into this you can see his eyes starting to close.  He fights it sometimes, but the song always wins and he succumbs to the dark side.  It must be something about the bass in my voice and the vibrations in my chest as I do the Bum, bum, bum, bumba bum bumba bum.
8. Before long, he is a sleep and I transition to the chair where I hold him for a bit to ensure a deep sleep.  This was a step I used to skip out of impatience.  I have noticed that I have become more impatient since marriage.  I’ll blame it on the wife.  My schedule seems so filled these days that I have to spend every available second getting some stuff done or fitting in leisure time that I usually hurry on to the next step.  I have realized that this is one of the best times of my day.  I get to hold my son in my arms and watch him breathe (a big deal for me, when all I prayed for in his first day of life was that he would be able to breathe on his own) in and out peacefully.
9. The put down:  This is an acquired skill and very delicate.  You have to bend down just right, put his butt on the bottom of the pack-n-play, and then slowly put down his head while pulling your hand out.  Give him a little pat on the chest to assure him it is okay.  Wait a second to make sure he is not stirring, put on his blanket and slowly and quietly leave the room.  This step is so crucial that if you botch the put down you will likely have to start over again.
10. Reassurance:  Usually about an hour or two later we will here him fuss.  He usually just wakes up and doesn’t get up.  You simply have to pat him to let him know you are there, then he usually likes it if you turn him.  Then you can pat him again and he will be back to sleep.

If all this goes well, then he has been sleeping pretty well through the night, with maybe one or two feedings during the night from Michelle.  It turned out to be not that big of a deal for me but it has been a tremendous load off for Michelle.  She was frankly miserable there for a while.  She felt overwhelmed.  She has been much happier since the routine started.  I am still just as confused about how to handle women.  They tell you that sometimes they don’t want you to fix their problems, they just want you to listen to them whine.  But when you are able to fix their problem it makes them much happier.  Whatever.  I listened to my wife.  I saw she was in need and I did what I could to help.  He is my son too and she is not the only parent.  Even though she is more effective at putting him to sleep it is still a job that I can do.  So I do it.  And life is that much better in the Smith household.  So husbands, take heed.

-Ries, Bum bum bum bumba-bum bumba-bum

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Night Time Routines

Recent stress with our night time routine recently caused Ries and I, mostly me, to make what I now believe to be some poor parenting choices. Please keep in mind that I am writing this based on my experience with my baby. Your experience and parental instincts may vary. That is because you are not me and my baby is not yours.

While camping a couple weeks ago, I saw how my friend simply laid her baby, a few months younger than Gideon, in his crib whenever it was time for bed. He laid quietly and went to sleep, for the most part. I thought that was fabulous and I wanted Gideon to do that. My friend said that they had to let their son cry it out for awhile before he would go to sleep by himself. She said it was not that bad and I wanted Gideon to go to sleep that easy.

Our bedtime routine has become very exhausting for me. While Gideon will go to sleep (with much cajoling) without me around, he prefers me over any other. If he does not fall asleep nursing, which he does about half the time, he wants to be rocked, held, or walked to sleep. That is all well and good and Ries and I do not mind putting him to sleep, but he often only wants me to do it. If I feed him, he is still awake, and I hand him off to Dad, there is much protesting and Ries spends about 5-10 minutes convincing Gideon he does not need me and then has to start over with the sleeping business. After he does go to sleep, I still feed him once or twice a night.

All of these things are ok, but I am tired of being the only one who can ever get that child to sleep easy. I am just plain tired and so my friend and her routine seemed like a dream I wanted. In hindsight, I should have realized that what I really wanted was to not be the only person who can make Gideon go to sleep.

I decided to let Gideon cry. I put a limit on it because the moms I know that have done this said I should. 20 minutes was my limit. We tried it for almost a week. About 30% of the time, he would cry himself to sleep after 15-20 minutes. I do not mean small whimpering cries. I mean full out, screaming, screeching, distress calls. It was awful. More often than not, after 20 minutes, he was not asleep and now I had a tired and emotionally distressed child to look after. It often took him a few minutes to calm down after I went in to get him and he would rarely sleep after that. A few times he was so upset, he even pooped during the crying.

I felt like a terrible mom, but my friends and others said I had to do this to get him to sleep on his own.

We persisted.

I noticed that Gideon, if he did go to sleep after screaming for 15 minutes, woke up screaming and distressed. There were no happy wakeups anymore. He woke more often during the night and he wanted more comfort (aka more nursing). Gideon also took shorter naps.

Yesterday, after church I finally decided that was enough. I know my friends will think I am crazy, but I can not believe that teaching my baby that I do not respond to his needs is a good thing. I went in and picked up Gideon after another 20 minute bout of crying it out. He was too upset to sleep and missed his afternoon nap, again.

I reread the chapter in Dr. Sears’ book on sleeping and I was glad to have my instincts affirmed that wanting my child to have a peaceful going to sleep, sleep time, and wakeup period was normal and ok. To solve the baby only wants mom problem, Dr. Sears suggests a few solutions that you can modify for your family’s needs. We are going to try having Ries put Gideon to sleep for a few nights in a row and then alternate after that. That way, Gideon will get used to both of us putting him to sleep, with and without the milkies (which he is still getting plenty of).

I feel much better after making this decision. Though I know it works for some families (I have seen it with my own eyes), crying it out is not what we are going to do in our house. It did nothing but cause unneeded stress and distress for everyone involved.

I will write a post after we experiment with alternating the bed time routine and let you know how it goes.

If nothing else, this experience has strengthened my belief in following your own parental instincts and not the cacophony of advice from those around you, especially when everyone is telling you something that does not sit well on your heart.

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